Flat 9, The Adelaide, Shanklin

 

Shanklin - Flat 9, The Adelaide

15 Esplanade, Shanklin, Isle of Wight PO37 6BN

December 2021

 

It seems to be a commonly held view now that experience is of little value; young people, those under thirty perhaps, seem to have little appreciation that knowledge is something you accumulate as you go through life: it isn’t programmed into you in your sixteen or so years of formal education, never to be added to. The incorrectness of this modern view has never been more apparent to me than in the past few days, when Viv and I have been staying in this flat, with a good sea view, in Shanklin.

We arrived at 5.20 pm on Tuesday 21st December, to find ourselves within thirty yards of the waves lapping on the beach. We arrived by taxi from Ryde, where, after our hovercraft flight, we had a very good meal at the Ryde Castle Hotel, one of the very few Greene King establishments I hold in high esteem. Normally we would want to arrive at a holiday flat rather earlier in the day, and eat in the locality, but our booking was through Hoseasons, who had advised us:

***** ARRIVAL AND DEPARTURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED TO ALLOW MORE TIME TO PREPARE THE PROPERTY. PLEASE DO NOT ARRIVE AT YOUR PROPERTY BEFORE 5PM AND LEAVE BEFORE 9AM ON YOUR DAY OF DEPARTURE. THIS INFORMATION SUPERSEDES THE CHECK IN/CHECK OUT TIMES BELOW. Thank you *****

We therefore expected the property to be warm and ready for us when we arrived.

It wasn’t; the digital thermostat in the hall read 14.5 Celsius - perhaps not an unusual temperature for an unheated flat in the area around the end of December, but not one that had been ‘prepared’ for us.

Neither, for that matter, did it really seem to have been cleaned thoroughly: surfaces had generally been wiped (with the exception of the table mats, which had clear stains on from previous use, which I removed easily with water and a kitchen towel), the carpet looked generally tired, and, on closer inspection, had definite fluff and dust on it. The extractor fan on the ensuite had enough fluff on it to stuff a small cushion. Perhaps the hoover filters needed changing, but that surely doesn’t excuse visible dirt in the current climate, not when there is so much - possibly irrational - fear of poorly cleaned surfaces.

 

Not only was it clear that there had been no one in in the previous hour or two ‘preparing the property’, but, when I looked into the low temperature I found out the boiler had a fault. I reset it, but it failed again; over the next day or so I became very familiar with Vaillant boiler error codes F28 and F29. After faffing around for two hours I first called the property manager, who did not answer, I then called the Hoseasons helpline and reported the fault; they referred it on to the property manager and owner but we had no help until Wednesday morning. We were on the brink of going home and cancelling our holiday when I accidentally discovered that the hot water was actually working (thanks to an immersion heater I had previously managed to fire into life). I would have noticed this earlier if one of the basins in the flat had not been plumbed in incorrectly (hot is always on the left, cold on the right). Whether most of their customers would have known how to get the immersion heater going might be an interesting question.

The manager did visit the flat, bringing us a ceramic heater, but deferred to the owner to resolve matters. The owner arranged a repairman to visit, on the Thursday morning indeed (which must have involved some string pulling). He ‘freed the condense trap’ which did solve the problem. We had only had to survive with electric fires and Heath-Robinson hot water for a day and a half.

The thing is, Viv and I should never have been in the position we were. Hoseasons had told us the property would be prepared for our visit. It hadn’t been.

Nevertheless, we coped. Others around us - the property manager, the Hoseasons helpline -  were seemingly less able to cope with the situation than us; our experience - of matters plumbing and household - proved useful; the property owner, who had only bought the flat eighteen months previously, and had the boiler fitted just two months before, and the manager were, perhaps, distracted by Christmas. All we wanted to do was to enjoy our holiday.

Their lack of preparedness for our stay was the first of a number of observations we've made about the place that, if it was considered from the viewpoint of a holidaymaker, would have clearly been considered to be a bad move. There are others.

***

The kitchen area at No. 9, The Adelaide features a ceramic induction hob, controlled by touch-sensitive controls. These incorporate a child lock - presumably to prevent children cooking their own supper, for, in this era, allowing that must be tantamount to child cruelty. As anyone who has ever tried to open a container of tablets or laundry capsules knows, a child lock might just deter a few children from using the device, but it also comes very close to wholly preventing a significant proportion of the adult population from being able to use it. The hob was no exception; it took me half an hour to get one of the four rings going; if I tried another the whole thing went off. It was not clear where I had to ‘touch’ or in what sequence; there were vague instructions by the hob, but no manual; I managed to find one on the internet (fortunately the flat has great wi-fi) but that only got me to the ‘one ring’ stage. If we had been desperate for beans on toast when we arrived the beans would have had to be done in the microwave (which worked very well); pasta unfortunately needs to boil, so we had to fight the hob. 

I can just about forgive the current owner of the flat for the hob, she’s only owned the flat for a fairly short while, but I can’t imagine why the previous owner - who also let it out for holiday use - chose such a feature for the kitchen. Anything that is complicated to use is a liability in a holiday let, for visitors will either fight to use it, become disillusioned and decide to go elsewhere next time, or they may somehow use it incorrectly, and break it. There’s nothing wrong with an old-fashioned gas or electric hob, with simple knobs that turn it on and off - and, if necessary, a set of reins to keep the toddler under control.

***

Other devices that visitors may have trouble with in holiday lets include TV’s; I myself have managed, a year or two ago, to mess one up completely trying to retune it after getting a ‘you need to retune your set’ message. The TV in the lounge at Flat 9 uses Freesat, fairly standard perhaps, although the channels have very different sound levels: you need to undertake a complete adjustment of volume settings on two controllers when jumping from channel to channel. There’s a TV in the master bedroom too, that seems to use Freesat but the channel numbers are nonstandard and it’s a nightmare to find the (supposedly) obscure ones, like GB News or Talking Pictures. Young folks may find it easy to master these different technologies but those of us who have got a bit set in our ways get confused by them, and these challenges might be just the sort of thing that would lead us to look for somewhere with predictable TVs, rather than at The Adelaide, next time.

**

I also found a simpler technology failing to meet my expectations at 9 The Adelaide: lightbulbs. A couple of decades ago, before the internet took over, holiday accommodation had to be advertised in published books, or brochures; to avoid liability the publishers would require all listed properties to be accredited with the AA, RAC or VisitBritain. The BnB I was involved with chose Visit Britain, and they required rooms to have a certain wattage of lighting for the business to be accredited; I was surprised at how high it was - off the top of my head, I think a double room had to have 200 watts of light (this was in the days of simple, incandescent bulbs) - that’s perhaps a hundred in the central room pendant, two forties in the bedside lights and a forty tube over the mirror or in a wall lamp.

Many accommodation businesses fail to meet this standard nowadays; they may think they are doing ‘their bit’ to save the planet. Possibly the owners of Flat 9 think that way; more likely, judging by the building, the builders just put in as few lighting points as possible (for they cost money), and past and present owners have just assumed this to be adequate. 

The owners, however, need to put themselves in the place of a visitor trying to find their clothes in the wardrobe in the main bedroom, around 9am, with the curtains open, on a dull, December morning, with the room light on. They then need to consider a visitor in their sixties, perhaps with minor optical issues, undertaking the same task. Then they will see the need for better lighting, in the bedrooms, hall, and lounge (particularly over the dining table). The main bedroom probably has a 75watt equivalent bulb in the main pendant, and 40 equivalent in the bedside lamps - 155 watts in all. A light over the mirror would supplement this nicely, and illuminate the wardrobe. Better lighting in the second bedroom and in the lounge would significantly improve the customer experience.

***

One item a VisitBritain assessor used to expect in a bedroom at an accommodation business for it to be accredited - I think at any level - was a full length mirror. Flat 9 isn’t the only place I’ve stayed recently where there wasn’t one; maybe the younger generation don’t care what they look like when they go out. Don’t they want to check themselves in a mirror before leaving to dine in their best evening dress and high heels - or can they manage to check a full length image of themselves on their phones?

***

I mentioned that the current owner had clearly inherited many flaws in the property when they bought it. I don’t know whether they got a survey done, or whether the original purchaser did, but whoever plumbed in the main bathroom didn’t know what they were doing, and any surveyor would have told them so. As previously mentioned, the hot and cold are the wrong way round on the basin, which is a breach of building regs and a sure sign of an incomptent plumber: if they got that wrong, what else did they cock up? It may appear to be a minor problem but, in a property used as a holiday let, users will become frustrated and, when thinking of where to stay another time, may decide to go somewhere that has proper plumbing. (It is also an important safety issue: the blind know hot is to the left and cold to the right, and risk injury when using incorrectly plumbed in taps).  

Another similar flaw is that there seems to be no window in the property that can be easily opened for ventilation. The main opener in the lounge is an - ill-fitting (so much so that light can be seen around the edges when it is closed) - uPVC door onto the balcony; there is a window, a small, inward opening one, above the kitchen worktops. But shortage of kitchen storage and worktop space mean that sill is in use, leaving the balcony door as the main option for ventilation. In one bedroom is a large tilt-and-turn opener, on tilt leaving a much larger opening than I would want in December; in the other bedroom, the opener is a door for a Juliet balcony - again, hardly what you want for overnight ventilation in the winter. Builders don’t fit more windows than they want to, they cost more than breeze blocks, but, strangely, paying customers may well want them.

***

I mentioned kitchen storage: a bit of a rethink might permit some shelving above some of the worktops, which would have given us somewhere for us to put our non-fridge food items - for which there was only one tiny cupboard available. There is also nowhere to put the roasting trays that are stored normally in the oven when you’re cooking in it; I ended up putting one in the bedroom while our tuna pasta bake cooked in the oven. Another kitchen point relates to the tap: hot and cold positions aren’t obvious, and it is of a shape that does not always make for easy filling of the supplied kettle - the spout of the tap is quite low.  

More in the kitchen: some of the wine glasses provided had very long stems. I’d rather not use them, I fear they would easily topple over. We ended up using the tumblers provided, even for wine. 

***

A point that might upset some is that the flat has no assigned parking space; from May to September, anyone staying there would have to buy a parking permit to park on the Esplanade - assuming they can find a space. In terms of location, there is also no convenience store within easy walking distance - all the shops are up the hill in the town. The location itself, beneath the cliff at Shanklin, may be the cause for the poor mobile phone reception we experienced in parts of the flat.

***

Strangely, even with all these issues, Viv and I coped. Indeed, we enjoyed our stay at Flat 9. Why? Because we understood the limitations, we used our experience and knowledge to cope with them. There are some very positive points about the property. For a start, it’s modern, warm, with reliable water, electricity and wifi. The location is good if it suits you: right opposite the beach, with its restricted sea view, a couple of pubs close by, and great for walks along the bay towards Sandown. The sound of waves on the beach through the open windows at all times of day does compensate for many minor failings.

That doesn’t mean we’d necessarily stay there again however; maybe I’ll ask Hoseasons whether they have any correctly plumbed properties on their website (I bet they can’t tell), or we’ll just choose the Premier Inn, or Ryde Castle Hotel, because they are chain hotels and we know what to expect there. If we stay at The Adelaide again, we shall, at least, know what we might be letting ourselves in for. 

Finally, we won’t book with Hoseasons again. ‘Covid’ has become a byword for shortchanging the customer,  incompetence, and lack of service in supposed service industries. Yes I can clean a shower vent or get an immersion heater working - but why should I have to when I’m supposedly on holiday? So we shan’t be booking anything with Hoseasons until they stop pretending that it's a good thing for the customer that they can’t check in until 5, because they are arranging cleaning that’s so intensive it will need that extra time.   

 

 

Stourport-on-Severn - The Wharf

Mart Ln, Stourport-on-Severn DY13 9EN 

My father and stepmother lived in Kidderminster, and I must have stayed at hotels in the area at least thirty times in the last twenty years. I wish I had found the Wharf sooner, for they’re both now no longer with us, and I may not be travelling to the area as often in future.

It’s difficult to classify The Wharf. It’s not a hotel. It’s not a BnB (they don’t do breakfast); it’s not really a pub, although they do have a bar. They market themselves as an events venue, and have live music on at weekends, and they have a few rooms upstairs that they let out on a room-only basis. And, I have to say, the combination works.

Lack of meals isn’t much of a problem, there is a good cafe nearby (in Bridge Street) that opens at 7.30am for breakfast, and a couple of pubs / bistros that offer evening meals in the High Street. Indeed, the location is very convenient, only yards from the canal basin and the River Severn, close to the funfair, and an easy walking distance to all the shops.

We stayed in the ‘bridal suite’ - not that we were just married, or even at all married. For the price - around £285 for three nights - it was very good value; a spacious room, with kitchenette in one corner, featuring a microwave, fridge and sink, as well as the usual kettle and tea/coffee making stuff you’d expect. The room was in the roof, with restricted height at the edges, which might be a problem for some, and the bed was on a dais in one corner, up against the wall on one side. (This might limit some of the edventures that a newlywed couple might want to get up to…?). The only window in the room was a velux over the sink, which some might struggle to operate - fortunately I have three at home so know how they work.

The TV was to one side of the bed, a downside if you like to watch TV in bed, but there was a sofa well positioned to watch it. It could have benefited from a coffee table, I moved a drawer unit so that we had something to put our coffee on when watching TV.

The TV signal wasn’t brilliant, not all digital channels were available all of the time. 

The ensuite bathroom was just that - no shower. Some might consider that quite a drawback. Hot water was a-plenty and the water pressure was good at all times. 

One missing item was a full length mirror; the room is the sort of place people might prepare for an evening out, or even an evening at an event downstairs. You need a mirror to check you look as you should for such events. 

There were enough power points although they weren’t well placed; there weren’t any either side of the bed from which you might charge your phone overnight. Indeed, bedside reading lights were a bit of a problem, there was one on one side of the bed (beside the wall), the other was missing. There were no bedside cabinets.

Entrance to, and exit from, tour room was via quite steep stairs; this accommodation wouldn’t suit someone who struggled with stairs. Surprisingly, there was little noise audible in our room from the music in the hall downstairs in the evening; indeed, we were allowed to go into the hall when the singers were on, and that really made our stay. 

The proprietress was very friendly and welcoming. She wasn't servicing rooms ‘because of Covid’, but she was around every day during our stay, and she made sure we had plenty of towels and sundries to last through our stay. The bin was overflowing when we left, but otherwise the lack of servicing wasn’t a problem.

We mentioned our experience at the Wharf to the taxi driver who took us back to Kidderminster station when we left, and she said that there had been many positive experiences of The Wharf. I’m happy to add mine to the list.

Harwich - The Fryatt Hotel

 

Harwich - The Fryatt Hotel & Bar

65, Garland Road, Parkeston, Harwich, Essex CO12 4PA

I’ve probably been to Parkeston more times than I’ve been anywhere on a leisure trip. This may seem strange, but my grandparents lived there, and I still visit the area to tend graves there and at Wix, a few miles away. I’ve known the village since the sixties, the ups and the downs, and I remember the Fryatt Hotel when it was The Garland Hotel, and the local welfare park was a bit farther along the road, with swings and slides to entertain under-twelves like me.

Much of Parkeston was built by the railway company, including some housing and community buildings; those parts farther from the railway, including Garland Road, were built by private developers. But that was almost 140 years ago, and I’m afraid the area hasn’t entirely aged well. Other parts of Harwich - around the old town, or Dovercourt, near the beach - might be attractive to tourists; Parkeston isn’t, it's an industrial area really, with a few residential streets laid out in the days when workers had to live close to their work. With a Premier Store over the road, the Fryatt Hotel is ideally situated for contractors, and it is no doubt that that market brings in much of its business, with there being a perennial need for contract workers around the port, much of which is only half a mile away.

First impressions of the Fryatt Hotel aren’t what they should be; piles of cigarette ends litter the street outside the entrance door. I’m not against pub goers having a cigarette, but a wall-mounted ashtray could be provided, and emptied by the cleaners, and patrons ‘encouraged’ to use it with appropriate words from behind the bar.

There’s no reception as such, just the bar, a somewhat spartan, public bar at that. There is a small snug to one side, but the overriding atmosphere is not one of peace and relaxation.

We stayed in a ground floor room to the back of the building, in what was once the ‘Hamilton Room’ (named after the one time Chairman of the Great Eastern Railway). In quite recent times this area was a restaurant, indeed an Indian restaurant, and a damn good one at that. It's not so well suited to accommodation, having few windows, and not being terribly warm. Heating in our room was provided by an electric radiator, and an electric towel rail in the ensuite; there was a lobby between our room and the ensuite which was unheated, which, at the time of year we stayed, did cause something of a shock when venturing between room and ensuite and being not fully dressed.

There was a bath in the ensuite, with a reasonable shower over, but no grab rail to hold on to when getting in or out. Towels were supplied but not refreshed in our stay - in fact the room was not serviced at all in the three nights we were there, a mountain of rubbish accumulating around our bin for the cleaner to deal with after we checked out. The ensuite was a decent size, but the room itself seemed to have been built down to size, to fit a dressing table/desk, double bed, and bedside cabinets; our suitcase fitted in the cold lobby by the ensuite, but we only had a small bag with us. Travellers with bulky luggage would have not had enough space.

There was no wardrobe in our room, just a hanging rail in that cold lobby between room and ensuite, and no full length mirror; nor was there anything like a dressing table in the bedroom. It was a good job neither of us wanted to do make-up or similar. In fact even if we had had a mirror it wouldn’t have been much use because the lighting in the room was dreadful, I was tempted to buy a stronger light bulb because the one fitted in the room would, in the old days, have been rated no more than about 40 watts.

Breakfast was in the bar area, a self-service buffet of cereals, juice, tea or coffee, yoghurt, fruit, toast and preserves, and croissants. There was no hot option; Morrisons supermarket, ten minutes walk away, does have a cafe if a good breakfast is important, but for the price we paid, around £175 for three nights, a continental was more than adequate.

Being honest, if I were to looking for somewhere to stay around Harwich, the Fryatt would not be top of my list; even nearby there is a Premier Inn, and a planning application has been submitted for a sixty bed Travelodge close by too, and both might be preferred to the Fryatt even if they were a little more expensive; indeed, when that Travelodge opens, I think the Fryatt may struggle to fill all of its rooms. Perhaps they should turn that ground floor area back into a restaurant.

What I look for in a BnB

My expectations of a BnB or hotel 

First, the things I expect, or want, and the reason why:

Public Liability Insurance	It may not be visible, I may not ask about it, but I do expect the proprietor to have full cover for any risks that I might encounter on his premises. Visit England won’t grant any form of accreditation without it. I also suspect that many small accommodation businesses, that rely upon the internet for business, may not have appropriate cover.
A good fire / safety risk assessment	Another thing VE requires; I expect a host to have considered potential situations that might cause me harm, and to have done what he can to mitigate them. I don’t expect it to be visible, but it could be mentioned in the in-room information folder (see below).
Easy access to my room	I don’t want to have to carry my stuff up narrow, uneven stairs or - as I have seen on one instance - up a ladder - to my room. If I’m not very mobile I will want to be told about any access issues when I book.
A lock on the door of my room, lockable from outside and in. A card system is ideal, but ordinary keys will do.	There are BnBs where the hosts say that ‘they like to feel they run a business where people feel safe without locks on the doors’. I don’t know how they would stand if a guest had a valuable item stolen from their room, and I can recall one case, in a BnB where guest rooms had locks but the proprietor’s didn’t, the lady of the house was alone in the property with one or more guests, one of whom decided, in the middle of the night, that he fancied some intimate female company and went off to find the landlady’s bedroom. She had to fight him off.  No matter how noble the ideal may be, there are mad people out there, and, as a guest at a BnB, I want to feel safe in my room. Locks on bedroom doors are essential. I want to be able to lock my door and keep my key with me when I go out, so I know no-one unauthorised will enter my room.
A ceiling at least 2.1m above the floor throughout the room, and a room that otherwise complies with all building, fire, wiring and plumbing regulations	Building regulations allow 50% of the ceiling in a room with a sloping ceiling to be below 2.1m, but I don’t want to develop a hunchback. I expect wiring and plumbing to be safe; I have stayed a number of times in rooms where the taps are plumbed in the wrong way round (should be cold on the right); I don’t want to burn myself on hot water in the middle of the night. At one time BnBs were required to have a secondary staircase / fire escape if they sold accommodation above the first floor; if I was offered a room at this level I would expect there to be one.
An ensuite	No, I don’t want to wander largely undressed down a dark, unfamiliar passage in the middle of the night when I need a pee. Neither do other customers want this when I stub my toe and shout out a few appropriate words.
Plenty of hanging and drawer space, empty apart from good quality hangars and possibly an iron and laundry bag	You should have six hangers per person, made of wood or strong, shaped plastic, not wire or cheap plastic ones that the host found in the skip behind ASDA. Guests need to have space to hang their coats, jackets, trousers, shirts and the like. Think about how much someone will bring with them for, say, a four night stay: they will want to store it properly, not keep it in their suitcase. Cupboards and drawers should not contain any personal items or clothes belonging to the proprietor: remember, the guest is entitled to use anything the proprietor leaves accessible in their room.
Good hospitality tray in my room	I don’t expect huge numbers of coffee sachets or tea bags but I do expect some options - decaf coffee, green tea, and some biscuits, together with a note explaining how to get some more. It doesn’t take long for a couple to drink six cups of tea between them.
In-room information folder outlining facilities of establishment, menus, meal times, details of any local restaurants, instructions for TV and heating, up-to-date TV channel listing, local attractions / facilities etc.	I’ve more than once stayed at a hotel that I had assumed didn’t do food, only to find out later that it did; and instructions for some facilities might save the staff from having to answer queries, or having to resolve a maladjustment.
Good lighting - in the ceiling centre, at the bedside, and at any table; also in the ensuite, including by a mirror	There is a fashion for reducing electricity usage, but guests should not be expected to bring a torch so that they can see to untie their shoelaces. Hosts have a duty under the Equality Act to allow for aging and disabilities, and older people need more light than youngsters.  I also have a suspicion that poor lighting is sometimes used as a trick to try to hide poor cleaning; if the lighting isn’t good enough to see, for certain, that a room is clean, I will presume it isn’t. A mirror is needed in the ensuite - the host won’t want me to cut myself shaving, I may bleed profusely all over his towels etc.
Windows that are clean outside and in	Poor cleaning of windows reduces the available light, and shows a lack of respect to guests. It's not rocket science to have outside windows cleaned every month or so, and the insides once a week, yet I have stayed at one business twice: on the first occasion, there was obvious, easy to clean dirt on the inside of the window. It was still there on my second visit, nine months later - AFTER the covid lockdown when tourism businesses were supposedly offering ‘enhanced cleaning’.
Two chairs and space to use them (in a double room - one is ok in a single)	A couple staying will want to sit to put on their shoes, or perhaps to read, or even eat or watch TV. The bed is not sufficient for this.
A TV, offering a good selection of channels (Freeview or Freesat, for example), of a size and in a position where I can see it from the bed and chair. It doesn’t have to have a huge screen, and should, when switched on, be on the same channel it was on when I previously switched it off.	I don’t want to see a TV channel about the hotel; I would like standard channels, including radio, where I can find them. (I often like to have the radio on quietly overnight - it's quite common, you know.)
A hairdryer, suitable to use in front of a mirror - perhaps the dressing table (see below)	I may want to dry my hair after a shower, and, if I am going somewhere smart, may want to be careful that I style it correctly.
A dressing table with mirror to do makeup	I have it on authority that you can’t do makeup in a bathroom mirror, especially if your other half is using it to shave at the same time.
A loo I can use	I have, on more than one occasion, encountered a loo tucked under the eaves in an ensuite. The architect obviously thought it a good idea, or perhaps he didn’t like his client - he may have realised that men would not be able to get close enough to use the loo standing, causing likely overspray on the floor.
A safe shower large enough to shave my legs	Similarly, a good proportion of the population likes to have smooth legs, to achieve which they need to balance and manoeuvre inside the shower cubicle, probably using a grab rail to balance. It's surprising how many BnB showers have been fitted without taking this into account - a builder has been consulted, and offered to do a job as cheap as possible. Needless to say, the builder has never tried shaving his legs in that style of shower. It's also surprising how many BnB showers (or baths, with shower over) do not have grab rails. Falls in the shower are common and could result in injury, not having a grab rail could leave the proprietor at risk of a claim.
The following done in my room every day: Bathroom cleaned and tidied Towels tidied or replaced Bed made Bins emptied Surfaces dusted or wiped Tea, coffee and soap replenished Also the floor and soft furnishings vacuumed at least every other day; sheets and towels changed at least every fourth	The covid pandemic brought on a fashion among proprietors for not servicing rooms; I don’t think they have ever stayed in a hotel room for five or six days and seen how much rubbish can be produced.  It's an insult to the guest to expect them to clean their own room. Also, it is only by the rooms being serviced that the host can discover any problem in the room (like the shower being slow to drain - see below).
Carpet on all bedroom floors, vinyl or tiles on the bathroom one	Wooden floors may be fashionable but they are noisy. They are not the slightest bit suitable for use in hotel or BnB rooms where the soundproofing benefits of carpet provide a much better surface (especially if Saniflos are used - see below), even if the carpets need vacuuming and cleaning frequently. Some hosts perhaps realise that flooring in a hotel room will have a hard life, and consequently go for a hard floor instead: they, then, should sleep in the room underneath someone walking to and from their loo every five minutes through the night.
Peace, quiet and privacy, and a competent host who gives me space	I may be staying in the host’s business but I don’t want to experience his, or his staff’s, presence any more than is necessary. I’d expect to see them at check in, at reception if I have any queries, at breakfast to take my order, serve, and do a checkback, and at checkout. I realise I may encounter them when they are servicing my or someone else’s room.  But if I am idling my way in or out of the property I am not particularly keen on being kept in conversation while the host tells me the history of his family and everything that has ever happened to him; if I were interested in that, I’d ask.  If there is something wrong that I think the host may be able to help with I will ask, believe me.
Good, sensible options for breakfast, served promptly, in a clean environment that doesn’t smell of stale beer, with a good variety of drinks available.	I expect a cooked breakfast to be available - business travellers often don’t get to eat from breakfast until maybe 7pm. I expect some options - perhaps beans on toast - for those with a lighter appetite, as well as some ‘continental’ options.  I don’t mind pre-ordering, but - if working - I expect my cooked breakfast to be served more or less when I finish my cereal. Some BnBs even cook sausages to order - which must take twenty minutes or so. Busy businessmen can’t wait that long for their breakfast. If the establishment is a pub, and breakfast is served in a bar, it must be thoroughly cleaned, aired and warmed following closure; there is nothing less tempting in the morning than the smell of last night’s spilt beer.
A comfortable bed no smaller than a standard double, with a duvet that covers the sides well, adequate pillows and a clean headboard.	This will usually mean a fairly new mattress; 8 years is supposed to be the life of a mattress in ordinary use. BnB beds and furniture get a hard life, and mattresses will most likely need replacing every five years; an old, saggy mattress will not give me a good night's sleep. If a double, it should not be two singles fixed together. The duvet needs to be of good quality and capable of keeping me warm, the pillows, perhaps one firmer and one softer, should support my head. If the headboard is fixed to the wall the bed must not move away from it, leaving a gap down which I can drop my book, phone or glasses. The bed should NOT be under the eaves of an attic room - I like to stand up, not crouch, to get in and out of bed.
Plenty of accessible power points - perhaps at desk-top height - including at least one above each bedside table to charge a phone overnight.	I want my phone beside me at night. I may need to charge it at the same time: a single socket at skirting board height behind the bed - requiring me to crawl among the dust underneath it - is not desirable at all.
A full length mirror	I may want to see what I look like in a special outfit, say, before a job interview or a family party. A bathroom or dressing table mirror won’t do.
A hook in the bathroom for my robe	Budget hotels, or the sort of place that serves mostly contractors, may not feel the investment of a couple of quid per room to be necessary. But I want to leave my jacket, or robe, hung up when I use the facilities in the ensuite - I don’t want to have to leave them on a possibly wet floor!
Good ventilation and heating	I expect to be comfortable; and, at the time I want to be comfortable. Having heating coming on at 7am may suit some, but if I want to get up at six and have a shower then, I want to be warm then. I also expect windows to open; aircon may be fashionable, but it doesn’t provide fresh air. If a proprietor wishes to provide aircon I don’t mind signs on the window saying ‘please shut the window if the aircon is on’, but I want opening windows.
A bedside table for each person	Some architects - and hosts - think a twin room means two single beds either side of a single bedside cabinet, with walls on the outer side of each bed. They should be forced to share such a room with someone who wants to have a book, a phone, their glasses, a drink, a picture of their nearest and dearest and a cup and saucer on their bedside table! Twin rooms may be used by people who are not intimately connected: both guests should have a bedside cabinet. The only time a bedside cabinet may not be needed would be for a child’s bed, perhaps, in a family room.
Space for my luggage	Some architects (or hosts) think that a room for a BnB needs to be no larger than the typical domestic bedroom. There is scope for debate on that, whatever you do have in your bedroom at home you probably won’t have a couple of suitcases with you. Whether on top of a wardrobe, or in a space by the door, there needs to be space for a couple of decent size cases, a few pairs of shoes, and possibly a walking stick or even a stroller for the less mobile. In the bathroom there needs to be space for a couple of wash bags and some of the contents laid out ready for use.
Individual tables at breakfast	I’m awkward. I'm often grumpy in the morning, and I don’t want to talk smalltalk with strangers while waiting for my egg on toast. Not everyone gets on; smoking is nowadays verboten in breakfast rooms, but I remember problems arising because of different views between guests on smoking at the table. Providing small tables - 2 and 4 seaters - for breakfast is far preferable to one, large table in the middle of the room.

Note - a pleasant view from the window of my room helps, but is by no means essential: I don’t expect to spend hours looking out at it. Much of the time I’ll be in it it’ll be dark.

And the things I don’t want, and again why:

Cigarette ends or other litter discarded around entrances to the property	It's likely that some guests to any BnB will want to smoke. But they should be guided to a smoking shelter or somewhere similar, and provided with ashtrays; any butts left around entrances should be cleaned up daily, for mess around entrances is a sign not only of guests who don’t care but also of staff who don’t care.
Creatures of any sort in my room	Some people will find cats or dogs charming; I am tempted to, until I find evidence of other creatures, perhaps fleas, in my bed or on my clothing. I will not stay in a BnB that allows untrained (i.e. pet, rather than assistance) dogs in the room, and the same applies to cats. Establishments that admit pets have to be rigorous with their cleaning practices - making much use of a steamer on the soft furnishings - and I don’t believe that most animal-loving proprietors will understand just how much cleaning is needed to be sure you are rid of any fleas or eggs.  Oh, if I find a bed bug, or signs of rats, mice, cockroaches or anything like that in my room or anywhere on the premises it will reveal to me that the host is failing to keep on top of basic cleaning and hygiene tasks, and a sign that the establishment is to be avoided.
Mouldy,dirty or damaged decor in room or bathroom	I once stayed in an (internet-booked) hotel room that had inch thick encrustations of pigeon droppings on the inside windowsill. Just one night, many years ago. I’m now wiser, and would demand a refund and walk out if a host thought such a standard to be acceptable. I’ve also stayed in another - now demolished - place where the pull cord in the ensuite was filthy (the cord that turns the light out when people leave having used the loo, and having possibly washed their hands). I bought a new one in the local shop for a pound and fitted it. It took three minutes. Why hadn’t the proprietor done that? If the host doesn’t care about the environment he offers his guests to sleep in he shouldn’t be in business.
Noisy machinery between 10pm and 7am	I want to sleep during that time, not listen to air conditioning or refrigeration fans, heavy metal or disco music, overtired children attending a family wedding party, the local motorcycle club doing night practice for the TT, municipal or privatised dustmen (sorry dust operatives), the local scrapyard doing overtime, or (see below) Saniflos. Or anything else. Where there is a risk of distant or internal noise appropriate soundproofing measures should be taken.
Heating, TV or kettle that can’t be controlled	I’m paying to be comfortable. I don’t want the hassle of getting something to work properly; I may seek help from the host, but that, in itself, is a hassle I won’t feel I should have to go through.
Unreliable hot or cold water in the bathroom	The water system needs to be up to the job. I want hot and cold at decent pressure no matter who else is using their taps. I also expect the shower thermostat to work; such cartridges only last a few years, the cleaners should check every month or so that they seem to be working - no sudden jump from hot to cold, or vice versa.
Anything that doesn’t work	If something is in my room I should be able to use it. If it doesn’t work I can’t and therefore it shouldn’t be in my room; a working version should be.
Frayed or loose carpets or other slip or trip hazards	I want to leave the establishment at least as fit and healthy as I enter it.
Bodges	Beds held up by nailed-on battens, windows screwed shut because of broken sash cords, shower heads held in place with wire - none are examples of care and attention on the part of the host.
A Saniflo - in my bathroom or anywhere in the property	Saniflos are the devil’s work. People think they can buy a big house, plumb in loos everywhere with these things, and they’ve got a building suitable to run a BnB. They break down, leave debris in the loo, and, worst of all, make a noise every time they pump out waste, including at 3am, and, because they are heavy, are usually fixed to the fabric of the building so everyone gets to hear them! Loos should be drained by proper vented soil pipes and should drain silently and efficiently.
Any musty smell in my room or bathroom	If there’s a smell of damp there’s damp. I don’t want my clothes feeling damp, or experience any of the sort visitors - slugs, snails, woodlice, cockroaches - you might get in a damp room.
Dirty extractor fan inlets	Extractor fans gather dust. Hotel or BnB rooms are occupied more than an ordinary bedroom, so they get dustier quicker than many seem to expect, and are often disgusting. It takes two seconds to wave a vacuum cleaner hose at the outlet to remove the worst of it, and only a minute or two - with the fan switched off - to clean one of these properly, which should probably be done once a month or so.  A dirty extractor fan inlet is a sign that cleaners are not paying enough attention to detail; either they have no clear procedures to follow, or the procedures are inadequate, or they aren’t following them. And if the obvious muck isn’t being cleaned, what about the less obvious?
Dirty shower or basin traps, basin or shower draining slowly	These too are easy to clean - and should be kept clean to ensure they drain properly. Waiting for a shower tray to overflow - causing possible damage - is not the best way to spot when a shower trap needs cleaning out, and guests do not like a host knocking on their door while they are in the shower, just to be asked to turn off the shower because it's overflowing into the room below. That has happened to me (I didn’t realise it was overflowing, I don’t wear my glasses in the shower!), the hotel concerned is now under different management (but I still probably wouldn’t stay there again).

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